As we enter the month of February, we want to recognize it as Teen Dating Violence Awareness Month. Teen Dating Violence (TDV) and Intimate Partner Violence (IPV) between teens is often overlooked. However, as we honor survivors and recognize their resilience, we’d also like to highlight the prevalence of this issue.
In recent years, La Casa’s Teen Program has grown to include support groups and one-on-one confidential peer-counseling, along with the prevention education we’ve long offered to the community. This past fall, we were able to expand our services with the addition of a second Teen Advocate to our team. With this growth, we’re now able to offer weekly direct service to our five partnering SFUSD high schools, as well as sporadic educational offerings to the many other school sites we collaborate with. We are grateful for each and every school that has invited us into their space, and to the students for their vulnerability and honesty regarding their personal experiences. We strongly believe that education is an essential component to healing from past unhealthy experiences, and for preventing the continuation of relationship violence. Through our work in the Teen Program, we have had the opportunity to see the impact of these services in real time.
But what is Teen Dating Violence? We might be familiar with stereotypes and common ideas around Domestic Violence, but the concept of Teen Dating Violence may be unfamiliar to some. Teen Dating Violence is defined as:
“A pattern of abuse between people who are in a dating/or formerly dating relationship
whose purpose is to gain POWER and CONTROL over the other.”
As we reflect on our work with youth, we want to focus on a particularly pertinent issue - coercive control. This type of behavior varies from overt actions of abuse, such as physical violence and sexual violence. Coercive control is less direct, but just as damaging, and it’s often more difficult to identify, due to its subtle nature. According to WomensLaw.org, coercive control is defined as:
“[A] pattern of acts and behaviors that an abuser uses to take away your freedom and to control your life. The abuser may use fear, pressure, shame, or rules to wear you down and take over your choices.”
Examples can include an abuser making comments about what you wear, your weight, who you spend time with, and how you choose to spend your money. These comments may feel small and insignificant, but over time, they can have extreme consequences on a survivor's mental wellbeing. In teens, we often see this in tandem with other kinds of control tactics, such as cyber abuse (interested in reading more about cyber abuse? Check out our article from last year here). If a partner is constantly telling their significant other that their Instagram posts are “asking for the wrong kind of attention”, or that the clothing they wear is “too revealing”, this is an indication of coercive control. We all have the right to post what we want on social media, and to use clothing to express ourselves how we’d like. An unhealthy relationship partner may use coercive control to wear away at someone’s autonomy and slowly gain power and control over what they do.
If someone you know shares with you that their partner makes comments like these, it can be our first instinct to attack the partner’s character. We encourage friends to create a safe space for the individual sharing details about their relationship, as to allow for further conversation on the topic. If we attack our friend’s partner, they may feel defensive, and avoid telling us things about their relationship in the future. If you’re unsure how to approach a conversation like this, try using the T.A.L.K. framework, provided by RAINN:
T: Thank them for trusting you.
A: Ask how you can help and what they need.
L: Listen without judgement. Your role is to hear and validate their experience.
K: Keep supporting them. Healing is a long process that is not linear.
This month, we encourage teens to not only check in on their own personal boundaries, but to start conversations about this with others, too. What behaviors do we find healthy? What behaviors make us feel uncomfortable? Trust your gut! Your boundaries demand respect. You deserve autonomy, privacy and support.
Want to learn more? Reach out to us!
Teen Crisis Line: 877 - 923 - 0700
Teen Advocate Voicemail Box: 415 - 503 - 0500 x 319
Author: Sophie Reichert & Matea Meadows-Hills, Teen Advocates
