The holidays can be a difficult time for survivors of domestic violence. For many, the holidays can trigger memories of trauma and bring up feelings of guilt or loneliness. Family and social gatherings can be an especially charged place for survivors. From feeling fear at the potential of running into the person who harmed them, to experiencing victim-blaming, to loved ones misunderstanding a survivor’s unhealthy relationship, survivors may not feel safe attending community gatherings.
At La Casa we do everything we can to be a warm presence and safe haven for survivors. But we also know that many survivors rely on their friends and family for support -- healing, and the work to end domestic violence, is something that starts in our own communities. Finding ways to hold our loved ones accountable when they blame survivors for the violence they’ve experienced, for violating boundaries, and for not believing survivors’ stories is a first step of many we take to build safer communities, and to ensure the survivors in our lives know they are believed, loved, and heard.
Knowing what to do or say in these situations can be tough, so we’ve reached into our own experience to identify things you might say as you show up for survivors of domestic violence, sexual harassment, and non-consensual encounters.
You and your coworkers are spending time together & discussing a recently reported incident of sexual harassment in the workplace. “I don’t understand why they didn’t tell us about the abuse sooner. If it was so bad, why didn’t they report it?”
Though domestic violence and sexual harassment seem like separate issues, they are extremely similar in their underlying causes, in which one person seeks to gain power and control over another person through tactics of fear and intimidation. The workplace is not immune to the impact of either domestic violence or sexual harassment. 38 percent of women and 13 percent of men report experiencing sexual harassment in the workplace. Though well over half of survivors of domestic violence have felt its impact at work, over 70 percent of employers in the US don’t have a formal domestic violence prevention policy in place. The small pool of individuals who do report their experiences with sexual or domestic violence may experience complex reporting procedures, embarrassment, or retaliation from the employer. Workplace systems are oftentimes not set up to fully support survivors regardless of how soon they file a report, but whether or not someone chooses to report their shouldn’t minimize the severity of their experience.
“I’ve reminded my friends and family of how hard it is for a survivor to disclose to a loved one when they’re experiencing violence, and how it’s even harder to tell people you work with because of the fear of losing your job or potential financial repercussions,” says Jess, La Casa’s development assistant. “With things like the #MeToo movement and more people talking about domestic and sexual violence, I think there is more and more understanding of what survivors go through. I try to remind my community that we shouldn’t need all the details about a survivor’s situation and need them to be ‘perfect’ and have reported in a timely manner to believe their truth and support them.”
Try saying: “The reason that so many people don’t report is because they’re not believed. We don’t know their experience and how hard it is to disclose this to a supervisor, but we should believe them.”
At your family gathering, you see your eight-year-old cousin’s face visibly tense up when Uncle Bob asks them to, “Give your uncle a hug, I haven’t seen you in so long!”
Consent is the voluntary, informed, and enthusiastic agreement to engage in a certain activity. Though consent is often discussed in the context of sexual activity, the building blocks to identify our boundaries and communicate them openly come at an early age. When we’re able to articulate our boundaries effectively, we’re able to forge healthier, safer relationships of all kinds. Though they may not have the language and tools to clearly articulate their needs yet, children are aware of what feels okay and what doesn’t -- and, as with adults, all children’s boundaries look different based on their unique preferences, personalities, and life contexts.
A child who is reluctant to greet family members may seem rude or misbehaved, but engaging in physical contact we’re uncomfortable with can feel like a violation of boundaries and safety. Respecting and affirming these boundaries with loved ones can teach children that they have control over their bodies and that their gut instincts matter. Having conversations with children about what kinds of greetings they’re most comfortable with -- whether that be a hug, high-five, wave, or something else -- can be an important first step to get children started on identifying their boundaries. When a child may appear uncomfortable in the moment, asking them what they want to do is a great way to stand up for their preferences.
Try saying: “How do you want to say hi to our family tonight?” or “Do you want to give your uncle a hug?”
Visiting your hometown, you overhear an old friend saying, “It’s not domestic violence if it’s between two women. How can they be violent towards one another?”
It is a pervasive myth that LGBTQ people can’t or don’t experience domestic violence. Data shows that domestic and sexual violence is experienced by LGBTQ people at similar or increased rates to cisgender and heterosexual indviduals. For example, a national study by the CDC found that 44 percent of lesbian women and 61 percent of bisexual women experience intimate partner violence, compared to 35 percent of heterosexual women. These rates of violence may be higher for a variety of reasons. The LGBTQ community as a whole experiences higher rates of poverty and stigma, which can make it difficult to access resources or leave a violent relationship. Tactics of abuse can specifically involve using sexual orientation or gender identity as a means of control, like threatening to publicly “out” someone, and hate-motivated violence can also manifest as abuse in the relationships of LGBTQ individuals. Many LGBTQ individuals also report being disbelieved when accessing supportive services for intimate partner violence -- perhaps, in part, because of cultural myths that say domestic violence can only happen in to cisgender and heterosexual people -- which may lead to more severe forms of violence.
The discrimination experienced by LGBTQ individuals because of their identities contributes to higher rates of domestic violence and makes it harder to get support. Validating the experiences of and believing these survivors is of utmost importance.
Try saying: “It doesn’t matter that they’re two women. Violence can happen in any relationship, regardless of sexual orientation. It’s important to believe their experience, even if you don’t fully understand it.”
You are a survivor and are visiting your aunt when she says, “You still love your partner, you’re just going to go back to them. How could you stay in a relationship like that?”
Perhaps our close family and friends care for us, but statements like this one can make us feel misunderstood or blamed for experiencing violence. On average a survivor will try to leave an unhealthy relationship seven times, and even if they decide leaving isn’t the best option, no one but the survivor has the insight on why they’ve made the decision they’ve made. Our loved ones want the best for us and want us to be safe, but understanding that domestic violence and unhealthy relationships are cyclic and complicated, and that love can be an emotion that survivors feel for those who’ve harmed them in spite of the harm they’ve experienced, is important.
“I’ve told survivors I’ve worked with to say something like, ‘I’m taking the necessary steps and doing what I need to do to heal and feel best. What I need most right now is your support and patience,’” says Carmen, a senior case manager. “It can be difficult to set this boundary with our family and friends, but ultimately they don’t know our feelings or situations like we do. Relationships are complicated and survivors need patience, not judgement. Healing and finding safety is a self-determined process, but every bit of understanding and support we receive from our family and friends counts towards growth.”
Try saying: “I know you care about me. What would be most helpful for me right now is if you could give me support, even if you don’t understand my decision.”
If you are or a loved one is a survivor of domestic violence, know you’re not alone. Call La Casa’s 24/7 hotline at 1-877-503-1850, or message our text line at 415-200-3575, for support.