There is often immense pressure amongst teenagers to have the best relationship. This often stems from a variety of sources, like personal insecurities and societal narratives about what a relationship is meant to look and feel like. For many developing teens, these forces can lead to unrealistic expectations about what they will encounter in their relationships. They can also lead teens to become overly dependent on their partners for external validation.
It is essential for teens to know how to distinguish between healthy and unrealistic expectations and needs. This is because the latter tends to rely on unhealthy relationship behaviors to force a partner into an idealized mold.
At the root of this pattern is a need for internal balance—something that can only be restored through self-esteem. When someone has a healthy level of self-esteem, they can pour into their own cups rather than depending on a partner for fulfillment.
Creating self-esteem can be challenging, and for some, even a lifelong journey. However, the benefits are monumental for teens and adults alike.
What is Self-Esteem?
Self-esteem refers to how a person thinks and feels about themselves. People with a healthy level of self-esteem tend to feel secure, complete, and balanced. Conversely, when someone has low self-esteem, they may feel insecure or out of balance.
For many teens in relationships, low self-esteem tends to follow the pattern of searching for balance externally — in a partner—rather than internally—within themselves. Often, by extending the search outward, young partners subconsciously set unrealistic expectations for what they want to receive.
Common types of external validation include things like praise, approval, or reassurance. Although there is nothing inherently wrong with wanting validation, it can become unhealthy when someone depends solely on their partners to give it to them. In other words, overdependence.
Ultimately, no amount of external validation will ever be fully satisfying for someone with a low sense of self. This is because what they are looking for is something that needs to be created and nurtured internally. That is, self-love.
It is equally important to acknowledge that while someone’s intent may not be to hurt, the impact of unrealistic expectations and overdependence can be negative.
Taking Accountability: Unintentionally Perpetuating Unhealthy Behaviors
Part of improving self-esteem is taking the time to hold oneself accountable for any past or ongoing unhealthy behaviors. Even if unintentional, the effect of unrealistic expectations and overdependence can cause others to feel emotionally overwhelmed.
In the following sections, there will be a series of examples of unhealthy behaviors that revolve around unrealistic expectations, low self-esteem, and overdependence. If you or your partner engage in one or two of these behaviors, it does not necessarily make you an unhealthy partner. However, it is important to be cautious. Talk to a trusted adult or counselor about how to safely address these behaviors in your relationship.
The Search for the “Perfect” Partner
There is no such thing as the perfect partner. When it comes to expectations and needs, the most one can do is communicate. This may look like communicating one’s love language, or the types of reassurance one likes to receive. Of course, every healthy relationship requires a baseline of mutual respect, trust, and safety. However, there are some needs that can only be met internally. Specifically, those tied to your own emotional stability.
For some teens in relationships, the issue arises when they fall into a pattern of believing that certain expectations and needs can only be fulfilled externally. When someone believes this, their overall well-being becomes utterly dependent on their partner's validation and actions.
Below are some examples of unrealistic expectations and needs some teens can have for their partners.
Expecting a partner to be the sole source of joy, fix past insecurities, or meet every single emotional need.
Expecting a relationship to never have any conflict or seeing conflict as a sign of relationship failure.
Expecting partners to predict and/or manage unsaid feelings, thoughts, or emotions.
Expecting a “good” relationship to be one where both partners’ interests, values, and relationship expectations are the same.
Expecting a partner to act in alignment with the idealized version of them rather than who they actually are.
Ultimately, it is never fair to expect anyone to be the sole source of one’s well-being. Doing so keeps one dependent and limits one's ability to grow as an individual. In addition, this pattern can become harmful when unhealthy relationship behaviors are used to get a partner to fulfill certain needs.
Below are some examples of how a partner can intentionally do this.
Mocking a partner's goals and interests: Using "playful" teasing or critical comments to downplay a partner’s ambitions, to guide them toward choices that fit one’s standards.
Passive-aggression: Punishing a partner silently when they fail to anticipate or meet every need. In other words, punishment for not being able to read minds.
Controlling their image: Micro-managing a partner's online presence by controlling what they post and who they message.
Exploding with Emotions: Using anger or other intense emotions to intimidate a partner into meeting emotional or physical needs.
Weaponizing the Past: Holding a partner's past against them. For example, questioning them about who they previously dated and having intense reactions when the truth does not live up to the expectation.
It is impossible to create a perfect relationship. The most one can strive for is a healthy relationship—something that has to be forged through active communication, patience, and the acceptance of partners' agency.
It is important for you to hold yourself accountable if you notice yourself attempting to influence a person’s actions or decisions. Because at that point, it’s no longer about loving them—it’s about trying to control them.
Unrealistic Expectations and the Danger of Self-Sacrificing
Oftentimes, teens with low self-esteem will give parts of themselves up with the hopes that a relationship or partner will restore their internal balance. Teens who subscribe to this way of thinking tend to assume that the more one gives up, the more likely a relationship is to succeed. This could not be further from the truth.
While it is true that many teen relationships require compromise and communication, a healthy relationship partner should never demand that another person sacrifice something important for the “sake” of the relationship.
Sacrifices tend to occur more with adult relationships, but even so, they should always be given freely and never coerced, expected, or demanded. It is important for teens to take their youth to explore themselves—in and out of relationships—without the pressure of having to give things up.
Below are some examples of how self-sacrificing can manifest in teen relationships.
Goals: Someone who changes their academic or professional plans to align better with the goals of their partner. For example, someone who gives up a competitive academic opportunity in a different place to avoid the difficulties of long-distance dating.
School & Personal Commitments: Someone who regularly misses school or cancels personal commitments for a partner.
Personal Time & Space: Someone who sacrifices their personal space and/or alone time to spend every waking moment with a partner.
Friends & Family: Someone who decenters their friends or spends less time with family to spend more time with a partner.
When you make decisions about your life, you must do so only for yourself.
This is because sacrifices rooted in low self-esteem tend to come with the expectation that a partner will give up something as well, usually of equal importance. In other words, self-sacrificing tends to feed into unrealistic expectations.
The expectation of mutual sacrifice becomes especially dangerous when a self-sacrificing person uses their own past choices to guilt or pressure a partner into giving up something of their own.
Below are some examples of what this may sound like in a teen relationship based on the aforementioned examples of self-sacrifice.
Goals:
“How can you even think about moving away after I gave up that opportunity to be close to you?”
School & Personal Commitments:
“I’ve skipped classes for you in the past; why can't you skip one exam for me?”
Personal Time & Space:
“If you really loved me, you’d want to spend every second together too.”
Friends & Family:
“I barely even see my friends anymore because I love you so much. Why won’t you do the same for me?”
As can be seen above, the general message is: “I gave it up for you, so you owe me.”
Keep in mind that love and affection are not bought or owed to anyone. Just because you are willing to give something up does not mean that your partner has to do the same, or that they are a worse partner for not wanting to give up something you would.
Improving Self-Esteem
No one is above working on themselves.
Holding yourself accountable in front of the people you have hurt, regardless of intention, is the first step in fostering self-esteem. However, it is vital to approach this process with patience.
Building self-esteem requires consistent and intentional effort. It can take years to see a noticeable difference, and the path forward is not always linear. However the efforts you take today will lead you to a more self-sufficient future.
Below are some suggestions on how to build self-esteem in your personal life. These apply to anyone regardless of whether you are in a relationship.
Reframing Self-Talk
Self-talk refers to your inner voice. When someone has low self-esteem, it means that their inner voice is overly critical. The upside about inner voices, though, is that they function based on your perspective on reality.
Therefore, it is important to train your brain not to engage with overly negative self-talk. Instead, try focusing on the positives. Writing or thinking about at least one thing you are grateful for can help you stay emotionally grounded.
Setting Boundaries
At their core, boundaries are ever-evolving safety tools people use to protect their mental and physical health. They can only be designed by you and for you. In practice, boundaries teach you that your needs are valid and deserve to be respected by yourself just as much as by others.
For teens in relationships, setting boundaries for yourself can be an added layer of protection—for both partners. Below are some boundary-related suggestions you can implement in your relationships with partners or friends!
Talk about your needs and expectations.
Identify signs that convey you are overwhelmed. How do you know you need space?
Make a plan about what you will do when you need space and how you can communicate that.
It can feel scary, but setting boundaries can help protect you from engaging with or experiencing unhealthy behaviors.
Doing Something you LOVE
If you are feeling down, it can be helpful to do something that makes you feel good about yourself. Think about and make time for at least one activity you are good at or one that inspires you. Below are some examples!
Playing a musical instrument
Learning a new skill or language
Cooking or baking
Doing your skincare or makeup
Gardening or taking care of plants
Making art
Reading a book
Writing (poetry, novels, scripts, etc.)
Dancing
Playing a sport
Working out
Meditating
Strengthening Existing or New Connections
The people you choose to spend time with can make a huge difference in your self-esteem. Hanging out with people who make you feel good about yourself and encourage you to be self-sufficient is fundamental in nurturing self-love.
This is especially helpful for people in relationships. Making time to build connections outside of your relationship, or strengthen the ones that existed before your partner, can help prevent overdependence on a single person.
Final Tips
Always remember that low self-esteem is never an excuse for unhealthy behaviors. If any of this feels familiar, know that you are not alone. La Casa de las Madres is here to support you.
It may be helpful to connect with a therapist, advocate, or counselor who can help you stay accountable in your self-esteem journey or help you process the negative effects of unrealistic expectations. Contact La Casa’s Teen Program if you have any questions about where to access this support.
How to Get in Touch
Email: teenprogram@lacasa.org
24-Hour Teen Hotline: 877-923-0700
Text Support Line: 415-200-3575